How to Talk About Immigration at the Table Without Losing the Room

Nobody in the history of the world has been shouted into agreement. Think about the last time you changed your mind about something big. I would bet my last dollar that it did not happen because somebody got louder. It happened because somebody asked a good question, or told you something you did not know, or treated you like a grown-up who could handle a fact. That is how minds change. It is slow, it is quiet, and it is nearly the opposite of what you see on television.

So here is a picture, and it is a hypothetical, so nobody write in. A family sits down for a holiday dinner. At one end is a retired machinist who thinks the border is a disgrace. At the other is a niece who just got back from a year abroad and thinks anyone who talks about enforcement is a bigot. Between them are a pot roast and a grandmother who would like everyone to pass the potatoes. Within four minutes, one of them says a word the other cannot stand, the temperature goes up, and the pot roast goes cold.

You can be the person who keeps that table. You do not have to give up an inch of your position to do it. You have to stop treating the conversation as a fight to win and start treating it as a case to make. What follows is a playbook: ten steps, in order. I have kept the steps plain, because this is a skill, and like any skill it improves with a routine.

Steps 1 and 2: Know your goal, then find common ground

Step 1: Decide what a good outcome is

Before you open your mouth, decide what success looks like. It is almost never "the other person says I was right." A realistic win is smaller: they understand your position as something other than a caricature, you understand theirs, and you both leave on speaking terms. If you walk in with that goal, you will make better decisions in every other step.

Write it in your head as a sentence: "At the end of this, I want them to know that I care about the law and about the people." That sentence is your compass.

Step 2: Start with what you agree on

There is more common ground than the loudest voices admit. Almost everyone at your table will agree that:

1. America should have laws about who comes in, and the laws should mean something.
2. Most people who come here want to work, raise a family and build a better life, and that wish is not a crime.
3. A secure and orderly system is better than a chaotic one, for the country and for the people who are trying to use it.
4. Someone who plays by the rules should not be treated worse than someone who skips them.

Open with one of these. "I think we both want a system that's fair to people who do it the right way." You have not conceded your position. You have built a floor to stand on, and it is much easier to disagree from a floor than from a cliff.

Step 3: Separate the law from the people

This is the single most useful move. Most fights about immigration are not really fights about policy. They are fights about whether you respect the people involved. If the other person hears "I want the law enforced" as "I hate immigrants," you will never get to the argument.

So say it out loud: "I have no quarrel with people who want a better life. My quarrel is with a system that doesn't know who's coming in, or that lets the law be ignored. Those are different things." Then act like you mean it. Do not use language about groups of people that you would not use in front of one of them. Argue the rule, not the person. It is the right thing to do, and it is also effective: the moment you demean a group, you lose every neutral listener in the room.

Step 4: Use the statute's words correctly

Precision is persuasive. When you say "illegal alien," you are using a term that appears in common usage and whose root, "alien," is the word in the law: section 101(a)(3) of the Immigration and Nationality Act defines an alien as any person not a citizen or national of the United States. You are entitled to use it. But you should know that some people hear it as a slur, and a conversation that starts with a fight over vocabulary is not a conversation. Use the word that does the job and does not start a fight, such as "unlawfully present" or "entered without inspection," and be ready to explain the legal term if asked.

More important, do not mix up categories. A visa overstay, an asylum seeker, a refugee, a green-card holder and a naturalized citizen are five different legal situations. If you call all of them "illegals," the first person who knows the difference will win the point, and you will have lost the room over a vocabulary error. A short reference is in The Immigration Words You Should Use Correctly Before You Argue, and the statuses most often confused are laid out in Asylum, Refugee, Parole and TPS, Four Statuses People Mix Up. Know them before you speak.

Step 5: Concede the true points

Nothing builds credibility faster than admitting something is true that your side would rather not say. Here are some you can concede honestly, and each one makes you more trustworthy:

• The legal immigration system is slow and in some categories frustrating, and the waits are long. (I made that case at length in The Case for Being Pro-Immigrant and Pro-Border at the Same Time.)
• Most immigrants, including most who came unlawfully, are not violent criminals.
• Employers who hire off the books bear a large share of the responsibility, and a serious enforcement plan has to include them.
• Immigration has been, over the long run, part of what made the country strong.

A concession is not a surrender. You say it, and then you say, "And that is exactly why I think we should fix the system and enforce it." The other person was braced for a fight. You gave them an agreement instead, and they will listen to what comes after "and."

Step 6: Replace the slogan with one specific case or rule

"Secure the border" is a slogan. So is "No human being is illegal." Slogans are the way people avoid thinking, and they invite a slogan in return. Replace yours with one specific thing.

For example: instead of "we need to stop illegal hiring," say, "There's a free federal system called E-Verify that lets an employer check a worker's authorization in minutes, and in most states it's optional. I'd like to see it required." That is a rule, it can be checked, and it can be argued about on its merits. You can read about the system in E-Verify Explained, the Free Federal Check Most Employers Skip.

Or instead of "close the loopholes," say, "In 1996 Congress ordered the government to count people leaving the country as well as entering, and the system was never fully built. I'd like that finished." It is concrete, and nobody can say you are hating on anyone. The story is in The Visa Overstay Problem and the Exit Tracking Congress Ordered in 1996.

One rule beats ten slogans. Pick the one you know best and learn it cold.

Step 7: Ask a question

The most underrated tool is a sincere question. Not a gotcha, a real one. "What would a fair system look like to you?" "What do you think should happen to someone who came in on a visa and stayed?" "Do you think there should be any limit at all?"

The question does three things. It shows respect. It makes the other person articulate a position, which often reveals that it is less extreme than their first sentence. And it gives you information you can use to find the common ground in Step 2. Then listen to the answer. I mean it. Do not use the time while they are talking to prepare your rebuttal.

If they ask you a question you cannot answer, say, "I don't know. Let me find out." That sentence has never lost an argument.

Step 8: Avoid numbers you cannot source

This is where good people get burned. Someone throws out a figure, "twenty million" or "ten thousand a day," and the room divides into people who believe it and people who fact-check it on a phone under the table. If you cannot say where a number came from, do not say the number.

Use what you can source. The text of a statute. A date. A case name. A Supreme Court holding. A government agency's published report, with the name of the report. If you want to talk about the scale of something, say, "The government publishes these figures, and I'd rather we look at the actual report than trade guesses." That makes you the careful one in the room, which is a good position to be in.

The same goes for stories. A story you heard from a friend of a friend is not evidence, and it is an invitation for the other side to tell a story that points the other way. If you want to use a specific case, make sure it is one you can name and cite.

Step 9: Show respect for immigrants throughout

I will say it plainly: it is not a trick or a tactic. It is the right way to talk. Immigrants are our neighbors, our coworkers, our soldiers and, soon enough, our fellow citizens. Many of them are among the most patriotic people in the country, because they chose it. A conservative who cannot say that sincerely should ask himself why.

In practice, that means:

1. Do not talk about immigrants as a swarm, a wave, a flood or a plague. Those are words that turn people into weather.
2. Do talk about them as individuals with families when you are speaking of lawful immigrants, and be willing to say, "I'd be glad to have them as a neighbor."
3. Do not assume anyone's status from their accent, their name or their appearance. Many Americans have heard that question and know exactly how it feels.
4. Do honor the naturalized citizen who studied the history, passed the tests and took the oath. The path is laid out in Becoming an American Citizen Step by Step, From Green Card to Oath, and it is worth telling people how hard it is.

When you show that respect, you are not weakening your position. You are removing the one thing that gives your critics something to attack.

Step 10: Know when to stop

Not every conversation has to end in agreement. If the other person is getting angry, if the room is divided, if the grandmother is looking at you over her glasses, stop. Say, "I think we've both said what we think, and I appreciate you hearing me out. Pass the potatoes."

That is not defeat. A conversation that ends on a note of respect will be remembered. Next month, the niece may bring it up again, on her own, in a calmer mood. A conversation that ends in a shouting match will be remembered too, and not in a way that helps anyone.

There is also a time to leave a topic alone entirely: when the person is grieving, when a child is in the room and being frightened, or when the other person has a personal stake you do not know about. Reading the room is part of the skill.

Putting it together

Here is how the steps sound together, as an example of a hypothetical exchange. It is a model of tone, not a transcript of any real event.

The niece: "It seems like you just want to keep people out."

You: "I understand why it sounds like that. What I want is a system that's fair to the people who do it the right way and that actually works. I'd like to see more ways in for the workers we need, and I'd also like the law to mean something. Do you think those two things can go together?"

The niece: "I guess, but not if it's cruel."

You: "I agree it shouldn't be cruel. What would count as cruel to you?"

Now you are in a conversation, not a fight. You did not give up a thing.

If you are a Republican who cares about winning the argument and not just having it, this skill is not optional. The party's hardest conversations on this subject are with persuadable voters, many of whom are the children and grandchildren of immigrants. They will listen to a firm position stated with respect, and they will tune out a firm position stated with contempt. For the history of how our party has argued with itself over this, see Four Decades of Republican Immigration Fights, From Reagan to the Gang of Eight. And if you want to go further in understanding where Republican voters stand and why, the page on Republican voters and the party is a place to start.

The bottom line

• Decide what success is before you start. It is understanding, not a victory lap.
• Start with common ground, separate the law from the people, and use the statute's words correctly.
• Concede the true points, replace slogans with one specific rule or case, and ask a real question.
• Do not use a number you cannot source, and do not tell a story you cannot name.
• Treat immigrants with respect throughout, and know when to stop. You can be firm on the law and gracious to the people at the same time.