Ten steps from a church pew to a licensed foster or adoptive home

Every congregation in America has someone who has said it. "Somebody ought to do something about those kids." It gets said after a sermon, over coffee, in a pickup truck on the way home. It is a sincere sentence, and it has one structural flaw: it contains no verb for the person saying it.

This post is the verb. It walks a family from the first phone call to the first placement, in the order things actually happen, so the process stops being a fog and becomes a list. It also covers what the rest of the church can do for the family that says yes, because a foster family can run out of backup long before it runs out of love.

One caution before we start. Foster care and adoption are run by states, and sometimes by counties, so the details differ from place to place. The sequence below is the common pattern, not your state's rulebook. For who sets what, see who runs foster care, who pays for it and what the 1997 law changed. The authority on your family's actual requirements is your state or county child-welfare agency, or a licensed agency it works with. When this post and your agency disagree, the agency wins.

Before step one: which road are you on?

Three different things get lumped together, and sorting them out first saves you grief.

• Foster care is temporary. A court has placed a child in the state's care, and your family provides a home while the agency works toward a permanent plan, most often reunification with the child's parents.
• Foster-to-adopt means you are open to adopting if reunification does not happen. Foster families are often the first people an agency asks when a child they already know becomes legally free for adoption.
• Adoption of a child from foster care means a child is already legally free for adoption and a family is being matched with him or her.

These are related, and many families enter through the first door and end up in the third. But they involve different emotional realities. If you take in a child in order to adopt, you must also be willing to support a reunification plan if that is what the court chooses. That is the hardest sentence in this post, and it is better heard now.

Talk it through at home first

Before you dial, sit down at your own kitchen table with everyone who lives in the house, including the children you already have. The agency will ask about all of them, and the placement will change life for each one.

Here is a short list of questions worth settling in advance.

1. Why are we doing this? Write the answer down. If it is "to help a child who needs a home," good. If it is "to fill the house" or "to fix something between us," wait.
2. What age and needs can we handle? Be honest about your limits. A home that is right for a school-age child may not be right for an infant or a teenager, and the reverse.
3. What happens to our current kids? Children already in the home are part of the team. Ask them, at their level, and listen to what they say.
4. Can we support the child's connection to birth family? Most placements involve contact with parents or siblings. If that is not a thing you can do graciously, say so early.
5. Who is our backup? Name three people who would say yes to a call at ten at night. If you cannot, begin building that circle now, in your church or neighborhood.
6. What does our budget look like? The monthly payment is meant to cover the child's costs, not to be income, and the first weeks often bring expenses before the first payment arrives.

None of this is meant to talk you out of it. It is meant to make sure that if you say yes, the yes holds.

The ten steps

1. Make the first call

Call your state's child-welfare agency, usually a division of the department of human services or children and family services, or a licensed private agency in your area. Many states keep a statewide recruitment line or a web page for prospective foster parents. The first call is an inquiry, not a commitment. Ask about the process, the timeline and what kinds of children need homes in your area, and write down the answers.

Your question list for the first call: What are the requirements to be licensed in this state? Do you license through the state or through contracted agencies? What are the ages and needs of the children waiting? What does the process cost, if anything? Who will be my contact person?

2. Attend an orientation

Almost every agency starts with an information session, sometimes in person and sometimes online. It is a no-pressure overview: what the children have been through, what the system expects of you and what support exists. Go with your spouse if you are married. Bring questions. This session is also the agency's first look at you, and your first look at the agency.

3. Fill out the application

The application collects basic information about your household, your income and your living situation, plus references. Be honest. Agencies are not looking for perfect people, and the surest way to be disqualified is to leave something out that the background check will later find.

4. Complete the required training

States require training before a family can be licensed. Two widely used curricula are PRIDE (Parent Resources for Information, Development and Education) and TIPS-MAPP (Trauma Informed Partnering for Safety and Permanence, Model Approach to Partnerships in Parenting). Some states use their own. The number of hours and the format vary by state, so ask your agency for the exact requirement.

What the training does: it teaches you about trauma and its effect on a child's behavior, about the child-welfare system and the court process, about working with the child's birth family, and about your own motivations. It is also a chance to find out, before the placement and not after it, whether this is right for your household. A family that drops out at this stage has not failed. It has learned something at no cost to a child.

5. Pass the background checks

Expect checks on every adult in your household. These generally include fingerprint-based criminal checks and a search of the state's child-abuse and neglect registry, and many states check other states' registries if you have lived elsewhere. A past mistake is not always disqualifying, but the agency's rules about what is and is not vary, so ask rather than guess. Being forthright about your history is the best policy, and it matters in every step that follows.

6. Prepare for the home study

The home study is the central document of the process. A licensing worker meets with your family, usually several times, and interviews each household member. The worker looks at your finances, your health practices as they relate to the home, your relationships, your parenting views, your history and your support network, and visits your house.

The home inspection is about safety, not decor. Typical subjects: working smoke and carbon-monoxide detectors, a safe place for each child to sleep, safe storage of medications and cleaning supplies, and rules about firearms where they exist. The rules, such as bedroom space and the storage of firearms, differ from state to state, so ask your agency for the written checklist before the visit. Nobody expects a magazine photograph. They expect a house where a child is safe.

7. Get licensed or approved

When the training, checks, paperwork and home study are done, the agency reviews your file and issues a license or approval. The license usually specifies the number of children and the ages you are approved for. You may be able to say what you are open to, within limits. Ask about this honestly, because a license that matches your family's real strengths prevents a painful mismatch later.

8. Be matched

When a child needs a home, a placement worker looks for a match among licensed families. You will often get a phone call with basic information about the child: age, gender, general background, any known needs. Sometimes the call comes in the middle of the night, because removals do not follow office hours. You can say yes or no. A no is an acceptable answer; it is better than a yes that you cannot sustain.

Ask what you can about the child's history, health, school, siblings and the permanency plan. Agencies share what they know, though often they know little at first. Be ready to adapt.

9. The placement

This is the day the child arrives. It is a disorienting day for the child and the household alike. Many children arrive with very little. Be warm and unhurried. Show the child the bedroom and the bathroom, tell them plainly what will happen next, and do not insist on affection. Trust is built in weeks, not hours.

Expect visits from a caseworker, court dates, meetings with the child's team, and in most cases, contact between the child and his or her birth family. You will be part of a team, not the sole decision-maker. That can be frustrating. It is also how the system is designed to work.

10. Ask for support, and keep asking

Step ten never ends. Ask for what you are entitled to and what you need. Typical supports: a monthly payment to help cover the cost of caring for the child, medical coverage for the child, access to counseling and therapy, continuing training, a caseworker you can call and a support group of other foster families. If you adopt, ask about adoption assistance for children with special needs, and about the federal adoption tax credit, and check the current rules on IRS.gov.

Respite care. Ask about it in your first week, not your sixth month. Respite means short-term care of the child by another approved caregiver so that you can rest. Many agencies arrange it. A tired family is a family that quits, and a placement that breaks is another loss for a child who has already had too many.

What a congregation can do

If you are not in a position to open your own door, you can open your calendar. Here is what a church can do for the families who do, and none of it requires a license.

1. Meals. In the first weeks of a placement, a family is in crisis and nobody has time to cook. A meal calendar is the simplest and most appreciated gift.
2. Childcare, with the right approvals. A foster parent often cannot leave a child with just anyone. Agencies have rules about who may care for a foster child. Ask the family what is required, and if the rules say you must be approved, be approved. Never skip that step.
3. Respite. Churches can recruit and train a few approved members who give foster families a weekend off. It is one of the most valuable things a congregation can do.
4. Mentoring and friendship. Older children and teenagers in particular benefit from steady adults who show up. Do it through the agency or the family, with permission and proper checks.
5. Practical help. Rides to appointments, clothes, school supplies, a bed, a car seat, a few hours of yard work. Ask what the family needs; do not guess.
6. A listening ear. The foster parent's burden is not only logistical. Someone who will listen without advice is worth more than a casserole.
7. Prayer, with discretion. Privacy rules protect foster children. Do not share a child's story in a prayer request, on social media or in a church bulletin.

For a model of how a congregation can serve with dignity, see A church food pantry checklist, from IRS rules to dignity at the door. The principle carries over: help that respects the person receiving it works longer.

Three honest warnings

It will be harder than you expect. Children in foster care have usually experienced loss, and loss shows up as behavior. Training helps, but nothing fully prepares you.

The goal is often reunification. The usual first goal for a child in care is to return to his or her parents if it can be done safely. That means the child may leave you. You may grieve, and you should be prepared for it. You can still do something extraordinary for a child during the time you have.

The system is imperfect. There will be paperwork, turnover among caseworkers and delays. The best response is to be a polite, persistent and well-informed advocate. That is the stance of a family that stays the course.

Questions to ask your agency early

• What are the licensing requirements in this state, and how long does the process usually take here?
• What training do you require, and how many hours?
• What does the monthly payment cover, and when is it paid?
• What medical, counseling and educational support is available to the child?
• Who do I call after hours?
• How does respite work?
• What happens if a placement is not working?
• If a child I foster becomes free for adoption, what is the process, and what assistance is available?

If your agency is a faith-based one, you may wonder what the law says about its role. We covered that in What the 9-0 Fulton decision means for foster care and faith agencies.

The bottom line

• Call your state or county child-welfare agency, or a licensed agency it works with, and ask about the process. The first call costs you nothing.
• The path is orientation, application, training, background checks, home study, license, matching and placement. Rules vary by state, so go with your agency's requirements and not a summary.
• Ask about respite care and other support early, and keep asking. Families that have backup stay.
• If you cannot open your home, help someone who does: meals, rides, respite, friendship, within the agency's rules and with the right approvals.
• Pro-life talk is cheap, and a bedroom with a bed in it is not. For the larger argument, read 'Pro-life stops at birth' is the line to answer, so let's answer it, then make the call.